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So I'm writing a murder novel. Here's a snippet. I'd like your feedback please.
Sorry, the formatting isn't too good...
The Priest turned on his cell phone and it immediately buzzed. He tapped the instant message icon and saw a new unread message from the day before:
"As Elijah was taken to heaven, so shall we. Praise be to God. I suggest you read
2 Kings 2:11"."
"Thank you, I will Brother." he replied, "God Bless"
He tapped the delete icon and the message disappeared. He then turned off the phone, opened the cover, and removed the SIM chip, dropped it into the toilet and flushed. He got dressed and left, dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash.
20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside. The Center consisted of a typical brick church with thick mahogany doors and a steeple, a rectory, and a Bible study center. In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by. It was not unusual for the general public to come use the Center’s study room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes.
There was a collection of old gilded bibles and other study materials on wooden shelves against the back wall. He removed a large King James Bible from the bottom row and flipped open to 2 Kings 2:11. In between the sheaves of manuscript was an 8" x 11" sealed envelope with no markings. He removed it, replaced the bible, and left.
He returned to the car and tore the end off the envelope and tipped it up, sliding out the contents. In the envelope was a 5" x 7" photo of an older Japanese man, and 3" x 5" card with a Japanese name and an address typed on it, and nothing else. He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was.
The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him "Father" and then later "Priest". Some would even come talk to him when the chaplain wasn’t around. He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army, but after he got out he gradually drifted away. 12 years of traveling the world taking lives while risking your own hardens a person and he gradually lost his faith.
After leaving the Army he had been recruited by the CIA, and the name Priest, and his religious background were good cover. Anyone who might actually intercept his text messages and tried to make something of it wouldn’t find the name unusual given his past.
He studied the photo and the address and 10 minutes later had them committed it to memory. He got out of the car with the photo and card, pulled a lighter from his pocket and lit both on fire, dropped them to the ground, and watched them burn down to nothing. He stomped out the remaining flame and scattered the ashes to the breeze with his foot.
He got back in his car and pulled away, wondering what this Japanese guy had done to deserve a visit from him.
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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What, no dinosaurs? 
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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They're in the chapter after the one on Bacon
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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Phew!
I might read it then! 
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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Well, if you want my opinion:
it's too narrative
the use of past tense weakens the narrative
needs more "what is the character thinking and feeling"
For example:
Kevin Marois wrote: The Priest was really a nickname he had acquired while in the Special Forces. Like most SpecOps guys he was proficient in a number of trades, but his religious principles had been something unique to him in his team, and the other members had taken to calling him “Father” and then later “Priest”.
vs.
"His unique religious principles earned him the nickname The Priest by his Special Forces teammates."
Also consider more "seeing through the eyes of the character and what he's thinking a feeling."
For example:
Kevin Marois wrote: In the study center there was a reading room and he pulled open the door and went in. There were a few people sitting at tables reading and working on laptops, and no one paid him any attention, save for the one casual glance as he walked by.
vs.
"A quick glance of the study center eased his tension, seeing only a few people sitting at tables, too immersed in their laptops to even notice him as he casually strolled over to the bookshelf of gilded bibles, ironically the drop point for his orders."
But I'm not a writer, so take my comments with a grain (or two) of salt!
Marc
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Wow, good input.. I like it
Thanks
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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Marc Clifton wrote: the use of past tense weakens the narrative
Most fiction tends to be written in the past tense, to the extent that I find fiction written in the present tense really annoying.
I've only read a couple of books written in the present tense, and I've spent more time being annoyed at the tense than enjoying the book.
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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Seconded.
And doing a novel in present tense or first-person is like a design decision in software... Plan for it from the beginning, and pick the one that's most appropriate, or it'll bite you later.
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It's interesting and what I would add is that the writing has something of a staccato feel to it.
This may be what you are aiming for however my preference is for more flowing prose.
Your use of 'He' to start a sentence may not be necessary, as we know who you are referring to e.g 'He opened the door and walked out into the hall' can be 'Opening the door and walking out into the hall'.
I am not a writer so you probably know much more about the trade than I do, but I thought I would give my opinion if it helps 
“That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.”
― Christopher Hitchens
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I certainly helps. Thank you
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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Good tips from the others... I'll add a few of my own.
When you're writing prose, especially fiction, try to pay attention to the flow and rhythm of the text. Read it aloud to yourself at a conversational pace, and rhythm issues will usually stand out. Remember, commas are pauses, so make sure they match the way you're reading it and vice-versa. If you feel silly reading it, maybe it needs a few tweaks. If you feel like Morgan Freeman narrating a movie, you're probably on the right track
On the pronoun side, Guy had a good point about starting so many sentences with "He". I had to work through that problem in my own writing. Think of a few different ways to refer to a given character, and try not to use the same one twice in a row. Often, you can avoid referring directly to the character at all, if it's obvious who's performing an action, or pushing it later in the sentence to make it flow the way you want.
Example: "With a quick tap of the delete icon, the message disappeared. With practiced ease, he opened up the back cover and flushed the SIM chip down the toilet."
The other thing that interrupts the flow, to some degree, is the use of numbers. As I was taught, the general rule for numbers is that you spell it out whenever it's three or less syllables. Obviously there are exceptions to that (Kings 2:11 would still use numerals, for example), and it's always your choice whether to follow, bend, or break the rules (It's about your vision and creativity, after all). Just notice that when you skim over the text, the numbers are usually what stands out the most. Sometimes you want that, and sometimes you don't.
As for the story itself, the only thing that jarred me a little was the bible. A church library would, I assume, have many copies of the bible... How did he know which one? I'm sure he and his contact have those details worked out, but it might be worth a few words. Little details like that can add flavor to the narrative.
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Wow, excellent feedback.
Thank you
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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I was going to say much the same about pronouns, though with less advice about how to work around it (not much writing experience here.)
With regard to your comment about numbers, I was always taught that you should spell out anything that is one or two digits, and use numerals for anything bigger. When I compare that to your rule though, I realize that they are basically the same, just worded differently. I found that interesting.
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Ian Shlasko wrote: If you feel like Morgan Freeman narrating a movie, you're probably on the right track
Just on the off-chance that people here haven't seen this, clickity[^].
The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative. -Winston Churchill
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. -Oscar Wilde
Wow, even the French showed a little more spine than that before they got their sh*t pushed in.[^] -Colin Mullikin
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Can't view that at work, but I think I know which one it is... The one that's basically doing Chuck Norris jokes for him, right? Friend showed that to me a few days ago, so yeah, that was in my head when I posted
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Yep, that's the one. Things like, "Every time Morgan Freeman cries, it rains... in heaven." 
The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative. -Winston Churchill
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. -Oscar Wilde
Wow, even the French showed a little more spine than that before they got their sh*t pushed in.[^] -Colin Mullikin
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Seriously, the butler did it? 
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Really? You had to give it up??
If it's not broken, fix it until it is
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I agree with the others comments about pronouns. Personally I find them to be a distasteful part of the English language, though not completely without use. Their misuse and overuse can often lead to confusion, which is the part I find the most frustrating. I much prefer that subjects be referred to in exact terms, when necessary to distinguish who/what/where is being talked about.
The others have already commented on your potential overuse of pronouns (which I concur with,) so I don't have anything to add there. You may however want to consider potential misuse of pronouns. I'm not current with the rules of English language writing, but I was always taught that a pronoun was to refer to the most recently mentioned regular noun (John always parked far away when he went to the store.)
This reason is why your last sentence confuses me, and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
He got back in his car and pulled away,...
So far so good, 'He' is presumably the same guy that has been doing things for several paragraphs, and who appears to be the only person in the scene.
...wondering what this Japanese guy had done to deserve a visit from him.
Given the context, 'him' doesn't refer to the 'Japanese guy' (people cannot visit themselves,) so must refer to the same character that 'He' referred to earlier in the sentence. Your usage of 'him' may indeed be correct, if that's what you intended, but I'm confused as to why this character wouldn't know why this Japanese man was getting a visit from 'him'. Is this character a hit-man of sorts? I'm not getting that from the rest of the text. Is this something covered earlier in the novel?
Personally, I'd change the wording to make it more clear, but it's entirely possible I'm the only one not understanding the sentence. Either way, best of luck with your novel!
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When I was in school... the rule was to write out any number* less than a hundred. I would say that using numerals for Bible references (certainly), decimals and fractions, and numbers that a character is reading should be fine -- "There are three steps up to number 3 Main Street." "One of the five women wore Chanel No. 5." Otherwise, I find numerals in prose very jarring (kids these days...).
* We only had integers back then after all.
Other than that, I think there's a "quite" that is meant to be a "quiet".
And the things I write are not Lounge-safe.
modified 4-Aug-15 21:03pm.
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You can prevent the use of pronouns at the start of sentences somewhat by replacing
"He then turned off the phone"
with
"Turning off the phone, he ..."
or better
"turning off the phone, The Priest ..."
The rhythm is spoiled somewhat by using 'and' to string actions together where a comma seems more natural.
"20 minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph’s Drive and pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside."
vs
"Twenty minutes later he exited the 40 onto St. Joseph's Drive, pulled into the parking lot of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Catholic Center, parked and went inside."
"... room for personal or educational study. It was well lit, quite, and out of the way – all good reasons for he used it for his purposes"
I think that should be a semi-colon not a full stop.
"He didn’t expect there to be more, as there never was."
vs
"He didn’t expect there to be more. There never was. "
The second (although grammatically incorrect) has greater impact.
If this is the opening of the book, I feel the 'reveal' that this is no ordinary priest is made far to early; keep the reader puzzling as to why a priest would be acting suspiciously like this - then reveal later.
Rather than stating facts (like "the priest was a nickname" (incidentally, "the Priest" should really be in quotes there) it can be better to 'vocalise' information; have him thinking about the time he was given the nickname, or have it brought up in conversation at a later date.
Just my 2c.
I'm not brave enough to post any of my writings 
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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This is utterly trivial compared to the comments from the others but what first leapt out at me was the typo "It was well lit, quite, and out of the way ". Presumably you meant 'quiet'.
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I agree with much of what the previous posters say about readability. It might help to get someone to read it back to you. A good way is for them to record their reading so that your influence is minimised. Then listen to it when you can really concentrate on what they are saying. Obviously this is a big commitment from whoever you get to read it back, so alternatively record yourself reading it and listen later, maybe after you have written some more and are less familiar with your earlier prose. Another alternative is to use some text to speech software. There are some free online but they have quite small limits: Try http://text-to-speech.imtranslator.net/
One very useful aspect of text-to-speech is that it follows the punctuation; so when it sounds odd, it might indicate that you've missed out a crucial comma/stop/new paragraph - or added one too many.
Someone mentioned earlier that the effect was "staccato". If this is intentional that's fine but beware - quirky prose style requires that the rest is good and hopefully very good - otherwise it will just appear stilted and badly constructed. If in doubt go for mainstream style and construction - keep it safe, get it right, learn, improve and THEN experiment.
I noticed some strange constructions too:
"dropping the burn phone into his neighbor’s trash" - What exactly IS a burn phone?
"He maintained his faith and biblical studies while in the Army" Is there such a thing as "faith and bible studies"?
"and lit both on fire" - Just sounds weird.
There is only one rule in grammar: 1) There are no rules in grammar.
Note: There are however guidelines for each particular variety of language. These guidelines vary wildly and can often be ignored. If it sounds OK to you and your audience then it is OK.
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I found http://www.fromtexttospeech.com/ which will give you an mp3; it coped with all the text you posted. Try Paul (US English) or British English Peter. Some sound better than others but it will give you an idea of "flow".
Eats roots, shoots and leaves - Eats, roots, shoots, and leaves.
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Sc3pt1c4l wrote: What exactly IS a burn phone?
I think he means burner phone, which is a disposable pre-paid phone.
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