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If you were going for cruel teasing, you'd wait until just before departing for an special trip to the skate park before letting him find out about his extra present. 
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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You are a cruel and heartless chap! I like it!
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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my parents once bought me for my birthday a pen holder - they made sure to leave the price tag on: £1
When I got home from school that evening I got to open another present, a beautifully written letter from my father saying (to cut a long story short) "I keep my promises, next year keep yours"
I had promised my parents I would clean my room when asked - under the threat of getting a crap birthday present if I didn't.
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Wow! Tough parenting! And look at the name they gave you, too! Bastards!
PooperPig - Coming Soon
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Some examples of Thomas Beecham's legendary, ascerbic wit. Apologies if you already know some (or most) of them.
When he thought his female cello soloist was playing less than adequately, he stopped the orchestra and declared: "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!"
Once he described the sound of the harpsichord as "two skeletons copulating on a tin roof".
"The British may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes".
"There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between."
“Brass bands are all very well in their place – outdoors and several miles away.”
To a musician playing the tuba who made a deep shake on the wrong note: “Thank you, and now would you pull the chain?”
During a stage production of which he was not much of a fan, a live horse had a walk-on part. As it was led onto the stage, the horse defecated, “Gentlemen, that horse is not only an actor, it is also a critic.”
Asked his opinion of a university setting up a chair of musical criticism, “If there is to be a chair for critics, I think it had better be an electric chair.”
Asked if he had ever conducted any Stockhausen, he said, "No, but I once trod in some."
Of Vaughan Williams' Pastoral Symphony: "A city life for me!"
Of Edward Elgar's 1st symphony: "The musical equivalent of the towers of St Pancras Station."
"No operatic star has yet died soon enough for me."
He was once visited in his dressing room after a concert by an attractive young lady admirer. "Sir Thomas" she asked, "I've been a fan of yours for years. I wonder — would you be so kind as to consider being the godfather of my child". "Madam" he replied, "I'd be delighted. But... why bring God into it?"
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The last thing I expected when I cam to the Lounge, this morning, was a bit of culture.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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Have a cup of yogurt. 
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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Just incase you haven't seen this before, I'd like to introduce you to Lenny[^].
It's a telemarketers 'turing test', a bot that waits for silence and then plays the next stage of a recording, people then forward their telemarketing calls through to Lenny and the operators post the calls online.
Some of them are pretty funny.
You can install Lenny on an Asterisk phone system using the instructions here[^], and here's Lenny written in the Lua programming language.[^]
modified 10-Mar-15 18:40pm.
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JMK-NI wrote: It's a telemarketers 'turing test'
Did any pass?
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
--Winston Churchill
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This is freaking hilarious. I especially like the ducks!
Life is like a s**t sandwich; the more bread you have, the less s**t you eat.
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/ravi
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"All carry health risks... and can lead to death."
All what? Lives?
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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Is this the end for Clarkson? He had a fracas[^] with a BBC Producer.
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Surprised the BBC didn't suspend the producer for getting in the way of Clarkson's fist, Top Gear makes the BBC a fortune!
Edit: Hilariously, there's already a Change.org petition, with 40K signatures - https://www.change.org/p/bbc-reinstate-jeremy-clarkson[^]
modified 10-Mar-15 16:57pm.
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James May tweeted this week's edition is cancelled/postponed.
Really annoyed as Top Gear is about the only program the eldest and I actually enjoy together, though he calls it "Cars Go Fast". The eldest, not James May, though James May may I suppose.
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We're talking about a company that allowed its employees to sexually assault children for decades. It won't do a damned thing about Clarkson unless the guy he hit is "in a relationship" with the DG.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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It won't last: Clarkson is a) hilarious and b) a big earner for the beeb so I would expect him to be forgiven and all will be well again.
Firing Clarkson is the beeb cutting off its nose to spite its face. Ridiculous.
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Apparently, he punched one of the producers.... probably nothing he didn't deserve anyway. 
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What I don't get is why everyone takes Clarkson seriously? Every thing he says is tongue in cheek, really, its so obvious people must be stupid to think he is really racist or as offensive as he makes out.
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Er, no. He really is that way.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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You mean you cant see the smirk when he says these things?
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