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My partner is gone for two weeks, and I'm not feeling particularly great in his absence.
For some background, in 2017 or so I had a psychotic experience followed by a week of mania and I haven't been the same since. I've always been a bit .. eccentric, but I went (more) crazy. Whatever happened to me, it either changed me, or flipped a switch that had always been there.
It's not all negative at least.
The good: Immediately I became better at coding - I don't have to "think" to write code anymore - it just comes (not always, as sometimes i get a Big Problem(TM) - but the day to day stuff) . When I write an article, mostly I am not regurgitating my thought process in creating the code. I'm reflecting on what I did after the fact. It's effortless, and pretty neat. I suppose it's possible it's simply experience - I know experience probably plays a part at least - but the timing of it, and the sudden onset of the ability makes me doubt that.
The bad: I am a shut in on account of paranoia and extreme social anxiety that has afflicted me since. I had a close friend visit a few days ago and stay the night, and despite the fact that I love her to death I ended up crying because I couldn't handle having her here, but still wanted her here. It's not supposed to make sense - it's crazy.
My partner is the only one who doesn't cause me to melt down, so with him not being here I'm pretty lonely.
So, y'all get to be a different kind of rubber duck right now. 
I work, but I can't work a normal job on account of the above, plus other afflictions that have come along with the above. It's amazing I can work at all, and sometimes I can't.
But it leaves me time to code. Coding is an escape for me. It allows me to focus myself, calm myself, and center myself when there's too much noise in my head. Some people do yoga. I code.
I've had a lot of time for it over the past few years. I code fast, but I also just have tons of empty life to fill because I don't people anymore. 
So for those of you that think I have some sort of special talent, I guess maybe in a sense I do? But more, I something in me just broke somewhere along the way, and it positioned me to code a lot.
Anyway, for those of you that read this far thanks for listening.
Real programmers use butterflies
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Keep on channeling Dijkstra. 
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You're doing your best to play the hand you're dealt.
Isn't that all any of us could hope to do.
| Ravings en masse^ |
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| "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein | | "If you are searching for perfection in others, then you seek disappointment. If you seek perfection in yourself, then you will find failure." - Balboos HaGadol Mar 2010 |
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I try to focus on the good bits of it. I surprise myself with my code pretty frequently, and I like that. It's like "wow, that's elegant - who wrote that?" - It's a gift.
It doesn't make up for everything else but I've found it doesn't have to. It's not some sort of contest between pro and con unless I make it one.
Real programmers use butterflies
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I think you have remarkable gifts !
Speaking from my own direct experience:
There are times when the sense of being able to change ... fades, when the capacity to imagine a future where today's demons are tamed, and, today's genius, and creative drive, is not lost ... is a blurred silhouette.
In Hesse's novel, Steppenwolf, the protagonist calls this existential state of timeless hopelessness "morbio inferiore" ... after a village in Switzerland in the Canton of Ticino where the mountain ranges almost totally block sunlight.
One can feel stuck, feel guilt as you are aware of the cost of the ways you are out of conscious control, and, yes manic elation can be a technique, a thrashing, the self uses to purge the unbearable.
I find solace in this: Quote: I speak in a poem of the ancient food of heroes: humiliation, unhappiness, discord. Those things are given to us to transform, so that we may make from the miserable circumstances of our lives things that are eternal, or aspire to be so." Jorge Borges, essay: "On Blindness."
I have faith that your journey, like mine, will take you, ultimately, to the palace of humble wisdom, of full heartedness, of laughter at/with yourself at the circus you both created and acted in, of moments of profound inner peace.
blessings, Billy Pilgrim
p.s. Okay ... I never was able to stay in the palace, but, I can say I visited
«The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled» Plutarch
modified 28-Jul-21 7:55am.
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BillWoodruff wrote: Hesse's novel, Steppenwolf
I tried to read that once, but gave up after about a dozen pages; didn't understand a thing.
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[^]
«The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled» Plutarch
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All of are broke in some way or another and like the old saying goes; "It's not what happens to you , it's how you perceive it".
I also don't people very well, have few friends and ever my kids don't visit me. I broke when I went and then came home in the late 60s from that special place.
The less you need, the more you have.
Even a blind squirrel gets a nut...occasionally.
JaxCoder.com
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Happy to be a rubber duck. And I so get "some people do yoga, I code." I've lived much of my life (as a result of having my son go to Waldorf School K-12) in the whacky Anthroposophical community where many people practice Steiner's 6 basic exercises (basically meditations very similar to Buddhists) and personally, I find coding to be how I practice those exercises. It's a lot more grounding for me to practice them on something practical and concrete rather than just as a concept.
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I've been extremely impressed with what you're doing. There's no way I would tackle some of the projects you've worked on.
As for being "broken" - you're not. You're just different so enjoy it.
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To be different isn't make you worst (or better for that matter). It is your deeds that will define you!
And yours seems to be remarkable!
"The only place where Success comes before Work is in the dictionary." Vidal Sassoon, 1928 - 2012
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honey the codewitch wrote: I am a shut in on account of paranoia and extreme social anxiety that has afflicted me since. I had a close friend visit a few days ago and stay the night, and despite the fact that I love her to death I ended up crying because I couldn't handle having her here, but still wanted her here. It's not supposed to make sense - it's crazy.
My partner is the only one who doesn't cause me to melt down, so with him not being here I'm pretty lonely.
We are creatures of habit. Try to get me to change my habits, and I'll desperately be looking forward to go back to my normal routine.
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Keep on chooglin. 
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Your partner must be awesome, because it doesn't even sound like bragging.
honey the codewitch wrote: despite the fact that I love her to death I ended up crying because I couldn't handle having her here
A stranger, in your safe space. My guests stay at a nearby hotel. That way they have privacy and don't open my fridge.
Bastard Programmer from Hell 
"If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
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I mean, I grew up with that friend, so she's no stranger.
My partner *is* awesome. I met him when I was 17 and we were friends for like 11 years before we ever got together romantically. It works for us. We know all of our quirks and we care about each other in a way I'm not sure we could if we hadn't had that friendship prior.
I'm blessed.
Real programmers use butterflies
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honey the codewitch wrote: I mean, I grew up with that friend, so she's no stranger.
A stranger meaning an outsider.
honey the codewitch wrote: I'm blessed.
Maybe you simply deserve it.
Bastard Programmer from Hell
"If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
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Big hugs.
That stuff's not fun or easy to deal with. My partner in crime has been taking anti-psychotics for most of the 13 years I've known her. I've suffered debilitating social-anxiety for about 25 years, just like she has. At times, life's only bearable when we're together. At others - it's the worst it bloody well can be. It's mind-numbing how the human mind works (or doesn't!).  
Something too seems to have flipped inside me during this bat-flu soup bullsh1t. I think someone's stolen the fuze (fuse works too, I suppose) from my "give a flying elephant" circuit. But I can't pinpoint what the trigger was - just that it's happened during this last 18 months.
I'm not writing code for money any more. I'd be honest and say I don't miss it - but that entirely glosses over the reality of my days. They're a million, billion times more fulfilling. (and frightening!) I hardly have the time to think about that life any more. I'm too busy providing support to people with disabilities. Too busy keeping away the voices in their heads, too busy with their shopping, mental retraining, gardening and other tasks we all need to accomplish to live a life that doesn't snow-ball.
Hope your saviour's home soon and everything can return to (ab)normal. Hope you're okay.
('nother big hug)
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From someone who is disgustingly normal I do admire the quality and volume of your production and you seem to be coping with your negatives. And while I don't always read all your tech babble (consider the source of that statement) I did read all of this missive. So if you need a rubber duck (remote only) feel free to use us if it will help.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity -
RAH
I'm old. I know stuff - JSOP
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Thanks for sharing.
Keep on posting.
“quack”
“Duck” was one of my monikers two decades past.
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Have I ever told you how much I loathe our ISP? 
insular phony going places (7)
modified 28-Jul-21 6:27am.
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Urinals - nice clue to
"I didn't mention the bats - he'd see them soon enough" - Hunter S Thompson - RIP
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I thought of URINALS - but missed the anagram completely and couldn't justify it ... was trying to fit THRONES in there!
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
"Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power" - Random T-shirt
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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It was the going places - don't know why but it leapt out - you were on the right track with thrones though 
"I didn't mention the bats - he'd see them soon enough" - Hunter S Thompson - RIP
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