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I love what they did to the urn that (aledgedly) contained his ashes at Robert Kleins interview in Aspen in '98:
Short version[^]
Longer version[^]
Completely hilarious! 
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
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Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain
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Sick 
It does not solve my Problem, but it answers my question
modified 19-Jan-21 21:04pm.
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For people who are truly depressed in this season, suicide may seem a viable option. I don't see anything humorous in that!
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BillWoodruff wrote: New Year's eve might be a better choice, anyway
Aww, you optimist you.
"the debugger doesn't tell me anything because this code compiles just fine" - random QA comment
"Facebook is where you tell lies to your friends. Twitter is where you tell the truth to strangers." - chriselst
"I don't drink any more... then again, I don't drink any less." - Mike Mullikins uncle
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 Du Perron wrote (part of some forgotten Dutch poem): Because suicide, Lord, is difficult, does not always want to succeed,
Cleopatra and the adder were both strong,
the poison of Mithradates made him vomit anxiously,
a slave with a good sword completed the work.
A suicide is assured until the choice of the weapon.
Death is more friendly, perhaps, in the accidents
who grieve the good citizen daily:
the motorcyclist who broke into pieces,
the driver by two locomotives
crushed because he was just napping.
The bricklayer who fell from the ladder,
whose head struck the boulders into an omelet,
and the worker pulled into a machine,
who, before they had stopped one wheel,
had been ejected again as a careless mince.
The little girls who shot through the ice
whose cry of death froze into a stream of stream
and whose corpses no one dived to,
the child from the slum that carelessly
with boiling water, over and over again.
Certainly, death is more friendly to the poor people,
they die more easily, are more familiar with him.
He gives them smiles, winks and tips,
the fear of what is often seen diminishes.
Death seems almost a goal for those who work themselves dead.
Death is the companion of the long winter months,
dutifully, like them, for the poor on the land.
They calmly carry on, they scatter new seeds,
and calm, like a wildflower by a child's hand,
he plucks a toiler away from the plowed earth.
The drunken vagabond, laughing while drooling,
and drooling and laughing under a full train,
the blind beggar, too old to die,
who breaks his neck without pain on a heroic night,
it is worth not looking at such a death.
The really hard death descends into feather beds,
and is long and heavy against a soft chest,
and kiss a soft mouth to stop it,
and squeezes a soft throat that becomes tight and glowing,
and listens to the heart that continues to resist.
I disagree with the more famous Albert Hammond; I would prefer a freeway crash over a long sick-bed.
Bastard Programmer from Hell 
If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^]
"If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
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I was feeling down on Christmas Day and I called the Depression Hot Line. I got a call centre in Pakistan!
I told them I was suicidal...
They got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck!
I, for one, like Roman Numerals.
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They didn't send you a nice vest full of marcipan for Christmas to cheer you up? 
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
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Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain
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I can understand that this may seem funny for some, but as someone who spends time as voluntary firefighter I'm speaking to those who may think about committing suicide: Don't. Contact someone, be it someone you know or a suicide hotline. Throwing yourself under a train is a bad idea, you disrupt not only many commuters schedule but also but a strain on other peoples mental health: be it accidental witnesses, train drives, first responders and so on.
I'm not part of the group who recovers people from beneath trains, and quite frankly I'm glad about that.
I am, however, part of the lake search and rescue group, and trying to recover someone who went swimming without the intention to come back in icy january conditions is beyond a bad experience.
So, kids, here's the takeaway:
Don't commit suicide, talk to someone - friends, family, helplines, 112, 911 - they'll be happy to help you and work out a solution.
If you're suffering from a terminal illness, go with Exit, Dignitas or any other organization.
And last but not least:
Don't encourage suicide, online or in real life if the person hasn't a terminal condition - Studies have proven that after public coverage of suicides the rate tends to go up.
/Edit: some things became less clear in writing as they were in my head, see my answer to Eddy's post as there are somethings written out more clear.
I only have a signature in order to let @DalekDave follow my posts.
modified 29-Dec-19 10:48am.
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Marco Bertschi wrote: Throwing yourself under a train is a bad idea, you disrupt not only many commuters schedule
People will keep doing that, despite your warning; for one who wants to end their life, there is no clean alternative to that mess.
Marco Bertschi wrote: if the person hasn't a terminal condition
So, only allowed for the terminal eh?
Not for the incurably sick, or those whose life only consists of suffering or pain. I'm not encouraging it nor approving of it, but I will also not act as if these people are merely a bit confused and that a single phonecall will solve it all.
Bastard Programmer from Hell 
If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^]
"If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
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Eddy Vluggen wrote: Not for the incurably sick, or those whose life only consists of suffering or pain
I'm sorry if I misused the term "terminal" - I meant to include those. In my head, that all sounds pretty terminal, though.
Eddy Vluggen wrote: I'm not encouraging it nor approving of it, but I will also not act as if these people are merely a bit confused and that a single phonecall will solve it all.
A single phone call doesn't solve anything, but it may be good start to get better (for some, at least - Not for everyone, I know that). Apart from that, if someone is seriously thinking about ending their life they are more than " a bit confused " (no judging here) - It's a serious condition, treatable for some for sure, but not for everyone.
Anyways, any form of encouraging or judging suicide without knowing about the specific circumstances an individual is in my opinion plain wrong, an that is what I was aiming at with my previous post.
I only have a signature in order to let @DalekDave follow my posts.
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Eddy Vluggen wrote: People will keep doing that, despite your warning; for one who wants to end their life, there is no clean alternative to that mess.
I know, I know... encouragement doesn't help either, though. I guess I just felt like I had to counter the grim, dark point of the OP.
I only have a signature in order to let @DalekDave follow my posts.
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Aight, good point 
Bastard Programmer from Hell
If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^]
"If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
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Takeaway No. 2 is: Don't take seriously what is not said seriously.
Here are two of the main causes of suicide, particularly youth suicide:
1. Being forced by others to behave how one does not want to behave.
2. Being ostracised for using words that others snobbishly decide to treat as offensive.
So, if you want to set yourself up to look like someone who cares about preventing suicide, and who is therefore a Very Good Chap, you should avoid telling people (including Bill) how they Must and Must Not behave, and also telling people (including Bill) how they Must and Must Not speak.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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Mark_Wallace wrote: you should avoid telling people (including Bill) how they Must and Must Not behave, and also telling people (including Bill) how they Must and Must Not speak.
I never said anyone _must_ behave the way I said. Merely voicing an opinion. Sorry, I'm not a native speaker.
I only have a signature in order to let @DalekDave follow my posts.
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I appreciate the concern, but: what if I enjoy being whipped ?
«One day it will have to be officially admitted that what we have christened reality is an even greater illusion than the world of dreams.» Salvador Dali
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BillWoodruff wrote: what if I enjoy being whipped ?
Wear a T-shirt emblazoned with "UHT Cream".
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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One of those, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me" folks?
Party on. 
"They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers! Can I get an amen?"
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But only if the wife allows.
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It does not solve my Problem, but it answers my question
modified 19-Jan-21 21:04pm.
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Mark_Wallace wrote: Here are two of the main causes of suicide, particularly youth suicide:
I firmly disagree, and would like to hear what study you based this statement on.
Depression, substance abuse, family violence, or a lifetime of pain; whereas all the youth enjoys using words that their elders find offensive, and behaviour being modelled since you're raised.
You cannot prevent all suicides; but we can prevent the messy ones and give those who would a dignified end. Still, that's not allowed - that's a choice we as a society make. Apparently, having the mess is preferable than to admit that sometimes the inevitable should not be postponed too long.
My neighbours dog got his final meal two days ago, and he was too spent to even taste it. Heartbroken as my neighbours are, they didn't want another year of suffering for their dog. So why do humans have to? Is my life (and the decision) not our own?
Bastard Programmer from Hell
If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^]
"If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
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Eddy Vluggen wrote: Is my life (and the decision) not our own?
Yes but most often, the suicidal person is in a desperate state of mind, not a sober one. Therefore, one must not encourage rash decisions in that case.
The difficult we do right away...
...the impossible takes slightly longer.
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Richard Andrew x64 wrote: Yes but most often, the suicidal person is in a desperate state of mind, not a sober one.
Ah, you have statistics?
Richard Andrew x64 wrote: Therefore, one must not encourage rash decisions in that case.
Such is rarely a rash impuls decision, whatever you tell yourself.
Bastard Programmer from Hell
If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^]
"If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
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Eddy Vluggen wrote: Depression, substance abuse, family violence, or a lifetime of pain; whereas all the youth enjoys using words that their elders find offensive, and behaviour being modelled since you're raised.
I "would like to hear what study you based this statement on" (I won't go into detail about how making that demand of everyone one responds to is generally indicative of trollish behaviour).
I'd also like you to define what you believe to be the causes of most instances of "Depression" and many of "substance abuse".
I think you'll find that the two main causes are those given in my posting (I simply expressed them in a way that avoids overly emotional connotations), so "firmly disagreeing" with those statements equally firmly disagrees with your own.
And that's not to mention that "family violence" falls very, very clearly under the heading of "being forced by others to behave how one does not want to behave."Eddy Vluggen wrote: we can prevent the messy ones and give those who would a dignified end. Still, that's not allowed
In whatever (I will resist saying "backward or fanatically religious") place you inhabit, that may be the case, but it is perfectly legal here -- I personally know two people with one parent each who has felt compelled to follow that route.
I was not in a position to discuss their decision with either of them -- but discuss it is all I would have done; I most certainly would not have argued against it.
And I think that it is entirely clear that I was talking of being ostracised by peers, on- and off-line. Parents rarely ostracise their children for a psychologically harmful length of time.
But how about we have a CP New Year's resolution not to discuss such bloody miserable topics in a forum "for those who code"? Discussions of such matters between non-experts (i.e. those of "a little learning") are rarely useful or constructive.
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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Mark_Wallace wrote: (I won't go into detail about how making that demand of everyone one responds to is generally indicative of trollish behaviour).
Not making it of everyone, just you specifically; but thanks for your valuation.
Mark_Wallace wrote: "being forced by others to behave how one does not want to behave."
My English may be lacking, but this generic description is too broad for my taste.
Mark_Wallace wrote: In whatever (I will resist saying "backward or fanatically religious") place you inhabit, that may be the case, but it is perfectly legal here
Near Amsterdam, which is hardly a fanatically religious location.
Mark_Wallace wrote: But how about we have a CP New Year's resolution not to discuss such bloody miserable topics in a forum "for those who code"?
Bastard Programmer from Hell
If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^]
"If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
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Eddy Vluggen wrote: Near Amsterdam
It's legal in Amsterdam 
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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