|
The intrepid leader of Apple opened an entirely new chapter in the history of corporate product announcements today, when he revealed Apple's bold new humanitarian program "Apple Cares." As T. Cook said:
"We made a pile ... so much we don't even know how to spend it in Europe where we play whack-a-mole with the US/IRS while hiding our profits.
In these troubled times, it behooves us to lead the way ... as we always have ... with making Apple a symbol of both aspiration, excellence, and responsible corporate citizenship that does not turn its back on the fact people around the world are suffering ... suffering from war; enduring the hardships of forced migration; living in societies where basic freedoms of speech and political expression are oppressed; facing abuse and discrimination because of age, race, gender, or religion.
So, Apple takes pride in introducing these special iPhone7 offers:
1. Anyone with an exploded/exploding Samsung Note7 can receive US $100 off the iPhone7 if they submit proof of purchase of the Samsung Note7, proof that said Samsung Note7 exploded, or, is exploding. [1]
2. All employees of FoxConn in China may now purchase one iPhone7 for only five years of full-time salary, rather than seven years. [2]
3. Members of "Black Lives Matter" can receive a special US $25 discount on the purchase price of their iPhone7 (black models only). [3]
4. Single disabled lesbian mothers of autistic children on welfare can receive a discount on the iPhone7 equal to their monthly food-stamp allowance. [4]" There was a standing ovation at this point, but, after the crowd settled down, Cook went on to say:
"What you just heard is just the start of this brave new chapter for Apple; I know some of you are probably thinking ... right now ... 'What would Steve think about this ?' I think Steve would call this 'insanely great,' the highest compliment he ever gave anyone, ever. And, I think Steve would really like the fact we intend to finance this program through a percentage of 'Apple Care' revenues, which, as we speak, are having their rates adjusted for inflation in a very reasonable way.
Yes, you'll be able to say, when you purchase Apple Care, that you are making the world a better place !" At this point it was time for a break; time for gluten-free cranberry muffins and lattes, herb-teas, arugula and vichyssoise, etc. But, I managed to get hold of a print-out for the press that clarified what those foot-notes to the four points on the slides were:
[1] This offer valid only for the original purchaser of the Samsung Note7; in the event of their death, or inability to appear in person at an Apple Store, this benefit does not accrue to legatees, relatives, etc. This offer is invalid if the said Samsung Note7 actually explodes inside an Apple Store.
[2] Only FoxConn employees currently employed, and continuously employed for five years, who have never taken vacation leave, or sick leave for more than one day.
[3] This benefit available only to those BLM members with an arrest record for civil disobedience, and/or,, rioting, who sign an affidavit attesting they will not demonstrate at any Apple Store, or Apple Corporate office.
[4] Written proof (medical, legal) of status of gender, disability, marital status, status of child's autism, etc., may be required at the sole discretion of Apple.
«There is a spectrum, from "clearly desirable behaviour," to "possibly dodgy behavior that still makes some sense," to "clearly undesirable behavior." We try to make the latter into warnings or, better, errors. But stuff that is in the middle category you don’t want to restrict unless there is a clear way to work around it.» Eric Lippert, May 14, 2008
|
|
|
|
|
I'm a Humanitarian[^] too.
GCS d--- s-/++ a- C++++ U+++ P- L- E-- W++ N++ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t++ 5? X R++ tv-- b+ DI+++ D++ G e++>+++ h--- ++>+++ y+++* Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
If you think 'goto' is evil, try writing an Assembly program without JMP. -- TNCaver
When I was six, there were no ones and zeroes - only zeroes. And not all of them worked. -- Ravi Bhavnani
|
|
|
|
|
I don't know what you're smoking, but I want some!
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
--Winston Churchill
|
|
|
|
|
The rotten sod won't share, claims he is just naturally insane.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity
RAH
|
|
|
|
|
I think this calls for a special ops "Journey into Darkness" to find Bill and eliminate his herbs with extreme prejudice.
veni bibi saltavi
|
|
|
|
|
Wow Bill so much anger... If this augmented form of Primal Screaming works for you then good!
... such stuff as dreams are made on
|
|
|
|
|
That came across as anger?
|
|
|
|
|
Not strictly speaking...
... such stuff as dreams are made on
|
|
|
|
|
Movie Quote Of The Day
Quote: I'll tell you one thing about the universe, though. The universe is a pretty big place. It's bigger than anything anyone has ever dreamed of before. So if it's just us... seems like an awful waste of space. Right?
Which movie?
|
|
|
|
|
Lost in Space.
Software rusts. Simon Stephenson, ca 1994. So does this signature. me, 2012
|
|
|
|
|
|
Gordon's Alive!
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
|
|
|
|
|
Quote: Flash! ah-ahh!
Savior of the Universe!
Flash! ah-ahh!
He'll save everyone of us!
Flash! ah-ahh!
He's a miracle!
Flash! ah-ahh!
King of the impossible!
He's for everyone of us!
Stands for everyone of us!
He saves with a mighty hand!
Every man every woman!
Every child-he's a mighty!
Flash.
He's just a man
With a man's courage
Nothing but a man
But he can never fail
No-one but the pure at heart
May find the Golden Grail
.................ah................
Now sing along....
|
|
|
|
|
General Kala, Flash Gordon approaching!
GCS d--- s-/++ a- C++++ U+++ P- L- E-- W++ N++ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t++ 5? X R++ tv-- b+ DI+++ D++ G e++>+++ h--- ++>+++ y+++* Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
If you think 'goto' is evil, try writing an Assembly program without JMP. -- TNCaver
When I was six, there were no ones and zeroes - only zeroes. And not all of them worked. -- Ravi Bhavnani
|
|
|
|
|
What do you mean?
Flash Gordon approaching?
|
|
|
|
|
Open fire! Aaaaall the weapons!
Prepare to dispatch war rocket AJAX to brrring back his body!
GCS d--- s-/++ a- C++++ U+++ P- L- E-- W++ N++ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t++ 5? X R++ tv-- b+ DI+++ D++ G e++>+++ h--- ++>+++ y+++* Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
If you think 'goto' is evil, try writing an Assembly program without JMP. -- TNCaver
When I was six, there were no ones and zeroes - only zeroes. And not all of them worked. -- Ravi Bhavnani
|
|
|
|
|
Quote: Flash! Flash! I LOVE you, ... but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth.
Gosh, what a terrible movie was that, yet it is a bit of a cult movie, which makes it fun also ... 
A bit like Sharknado, Nude Nuns with Big Guns, Lesbian Vampire Killers and of course Naked Women in the Advocado Jungle of Death 
|
|
|
|
|
The movie means little to me, the music on the other hand... big fan of Queen presumably since before my birth as my mother used to place her headphones (with Queen or The Police on) on her belly when she was pregnant of me 
GCS d--- s-/++ a- C++++ U+++ P- L- E-- W++ N++ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t++ 5? X R++ tv-- b+ DI+++ D++ G e++>+++ h--- ++>+++ y+++* Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
If you think 'goto' is evil, try writing an Assembly program without JMP. -- TNCaver
When I was six, there were no ones and zeroes - only zeroes. And not all of them worked. -- Ravi Bhavnani
|
|
|
|
|
I did, in my mind as I was reading it!
(This is the best way for me to sing along: I don't just scare small children - I can make adults run away screaming as well)
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
|
|
|
|
|
I'm better, I can do like Tenacius D and scare demons back to Hell just by thinking of singing.
GCS d--- s-/++ a- C++++ U+++ P- L- E-- W++ N++ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t++ 5? X R++ tv-- b+ DI+++ D++ G e++>+++ h--- ++>+++ y+++* Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
If you think 'goto' is evil, try writing an Assembly program without JMP. -- TNCaver
When I was six, there were no ones and zeroes - only zeroes. And not all of them worked. -- Ravi Bhavnani
|
|
|
|
|
Don't be such a Queen! 
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
-
The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
-
I'd just like a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Me, all the time
|
|
|
|
|
Instead... here we are, born to be kings! We're the princes of the Universe!
GCS d--- s-/++ a- C++++ U+++ P- L- E-- W++ N++ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t++ 5? X R++ tv-- b+ DI+++ D++ G e++>+++ h--- ++>+++ y+++* Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
If you think 'goto' is evil, try writing an Assembly program without JMP. -- TNCaver
When I was six, there were no ones and zeroes - only zeroes. And not all of them worked. -- Ravi Bhavnani
|
|
|
|
|
I'm sorry but... how to tell you... Nagy was passing through and... Gordon's no more.
GCS d--- s-/++ a- C++++ U+++ P- L- E-- W++ N++ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t++ 5? X R++ tv-- b+ DI+++ D++ G e++>+++ h--- ++>+++ y+++* Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
If you think 'goto' is evil, try writing an Assembly program without JMP. -- TNCaver
When I was six, there were no ones and zeroes - only zeroes. And not all of them worked. -- Ravi Bhavnani
|
|
|
|
|
LOL!
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
|
|
|
|
|
|
General 
News 
Suggestion 
Question 
Bug 
Answer 
Joke 
Praise 
Rant 
Admin 
Submit an article or tip
