The intrepid leader of Apple opened an entirely new chapter in the history of corporate product announcements today, when he revealed Apple's bold new humanitarian program "Apple Cares." As T. Cook said:
"We made a pile ... so much we don't even know how to spend it in Europe where we play whack-a-mole with the US/IRS while hiding our profits.
In these troubled times, it behooves us to lead the way ... as we always have ... with making Apple a symbol of both aspiration, excellence, and responsible corporate citizenship that does not turn its back on the fact people around the world are suffering ... suffering from war; enduring the hardships of forced migration; living in societies where basic freedoms of speech and political expression are oppressed; facing abuse and discrimination because of age, race, gender, or religion.
So, Apple takes pride in introducing these special iPhone7 offers:
1. Anyone with an exploded/exploding Samsung Note7 can receive US $100 off the iPhone7 if they submit proof of purchase of the Samsung Note7, proof that said Samsung Note7 exploded, or, is exploding. [1]
2. All employees of FoxConn in China may now purchase one iPhone7 for only five years of full-time salary, rather than seven years. [2]
3. Members of "Black Lives Matter" can receive a special US $25 discount on the purchase price of their iPhone7 (black models only). [3]
4. Single disabled lesbian mothers of autistic children on welfare can receive a discount on the iPhone7 equal to their monthly food-stamp allowance. [4]" There was a standing ovation at this point, but, after the crowd settled down, Cook went on to say:
"What you just heard is just the start of this brave new chapter for Apple; I know some of you are probably thinking ... right now ... 'What would Steve think about this ?' I think Steve would call this 'insanely great,' the highest compliment he ever gave anyone, ever. And, I think Steve would really like the fact we intend to finance this program through a percentage of 'Apple Care' revenues, which, as we speak, are having their rates adjusted for inflation in a very reasonable way.
Yes, you'll be able to say, when you purchase Apple Care, that you are making the world a better place !" At this point it was time for a break; time for gluten-free cranberry muffins and lattes, herb-teas, arugula and vichyssoise, etc. But, I managed to get hold of a print-out for the press that clarified what those foot-notes to the four points on the slides were:
[1] This offer valid only for the original purchaser of the Samsung Note7; in the event of their death, or inability to appear in person at an Apple Store, this benefit does not accrue to legatees, relatives, etc. This offer is invalid if the said Samsung Note7 actually explodes inside an Apple Store.
[2] Only FoxConn employees currently employed, and continuously employed for five years, who have never taken vacation leave, or sick leave for more than one day.
[3] This benefit available only to those BLM members with an arrest record for civil disobedience, and/or,, rioting, who sign an affidavit attesting they will not demonstrate at any Apple Store, or Apple Corporate office.
[4] Written proof (medical, legal) of status of gender, disability, marital status, status of child's autism, etc., may be required at the sole discretion of Apple.
«There is a spectrum, from "clearly desirable behaviour," to "possibly dodgy behavior that still makes some sense," to "clearly undesirable behavior." We try to make the latter into warnings or, better, errors. But stuff that is in the middle category you don’t want to restrict unless there is a clear way to work around it.» Eric Lippert, May 14, 2008
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