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honey the codewitch wrote: Wish me luck.
Always.
![Rose | [Rose]](https://www.codeproject.com/script/Forums/Images/rose.gif)
Bastard Programmer from Hell 
"If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
"Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power" - Random T-shirt
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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I'm doing reruns of 2014?
That's my excuse, and I sticking to it ... 
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
"Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power" - Random T-shirt
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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At least select the "best of".
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Look at that! He didn’t know it was a repeat... aaand he doesn’t care!
If you can't laugh at yourself - ask me and I will do it for you.
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Or, more to the point, "I don't know why I should care"
Alternatively, containing all of the requisite elements, one could offer:
"Who gives a flyiing ![Elephant | [mastadon]](https://www.codeproject.com/script/Forums/Images/elephant.gif) ?" for a more colorful exposition.
| Ravings en masse^ |
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| "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein | | "If you are searching for perfection in others, then you seek disappointment. If you seek perfection in yourself, then you will find failure." - Balboos HaGadol Mar 2010 |
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Mike Howe[^]
Inspired by Sander, Mike Howe dead at 55, wasn't a household name but nevertheless was a great vocalist for Metal Church, one of my favorite bands. His voice (and lyrics) fit the music perfectly. Have seen them many times over the years, never failed to deliver, and just as importantly he was genuinely nice person.
"the debugger doesn't tell me anything because this code compiles just fine" - random QA comment
"Facebook is where you tell lies to your friends. Twitter is where you tell the truth to strangers." - chriselst
"I don't drink any more... then again, I don't drink any less." - Mike Mullikins uncle
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Drummer and founding member of the legendary Slipknot.
One of my favorites, and definitely favorite when I was 16 years old: Slipknot - The Heretic Anthem[^]
I wasn't very familiar with his current band, Sinsaenum, but I know some of you might enjoy this: Sinsaenum - Final Resolve[^]
And then, of course, there's his legendary Disasterpieces drum solo[^]!
Loved that one when I still played the drums myself 
He passed away suddenly and was only 46 years old
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Guy's got rhythm. In comparison, I can barely walk without tripping over myself.
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My partner is gone for two weeks, and I'm not feeling particularly great in his absence.
For some background, in 2017 or so I had a psychotic experience followed by a week of mania and I haven't been the same since. I've always been a bit .. eccentric, but I went (more) crazy. Whatever happened to me, it either changed me, or flipped a switch that had always been there.
It's not all negative at least.
The good: Immediately I became better at coding - I don't have to "think" to write code anymore - it just comes (not always, as sometimes i get a Big Problem(TM) - but the day to day stuff) . When I write an article, mostly I am not regurgitating my thought process in creating the code. I'm reflecting on what I did after the fact. It's effortless, and pretty neat. I suppose it's possible it's simply experience - I know experience probably plays a part at least - but the timing of it, and the sudden onset of the ability makes me doubt that.
The bad: I am a shut in on account of paranoia and extreme social anxiety that has afflicted me since. I had a close friend visit a few days ago and stay the night, and despite the fact that I love her to death I ended up crying because I couldn't handle having her here, but still wanted her here. It's not supposed to make sense - it's crazy.
My partner is the only one who doesn't cause me to melt down, so with him not being here I'm pretty lonely.
So, y'all get to be a different kind of rubber duck right now. 
I work, but I can't work a normal job on account of the above, plus other afflictions that have come along with the above. It's amazing I can work at all, and sometimes I can't.
But it leaves me time to code. Coding is an escape for me. It allows me to focus myself, calm myself, and center myself when there's too much noise in my head. Some people do yoga. I code.
I've had a lot of time for it over the past few years. I code fast, but I also just have tons of empty life to fill because I don't people anymore. 
So for those of you that think I have some sort of special talent, I guess maybe in a sense I do? But more, I something in me just broke somewhere along the way, and it positioned me to code a lot.
Anyway, for those of you that read this far thanks for listening.
Real programmers use butterflies
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Keep on channeling Dijkstra. 
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You're doing your best to play the hand you're dealt.
Isn't that all any of us could hope to do.
| Ravings en masse^ |
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| "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein | | "If you are searching for perfection in others, then you seek disappointment. If you seek perfection in yourself, then you will find failure." - Balboos HaGadol Mar 2010 |
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I try to focus on the good bits of it. I surprise myself with my code pretty frequently, and I like that. It's like "wow, that's elegant - who wrote that?" - It's a gift.
It doesn't make up for everything else but I've found it doesn't have to. It's not some sort of contest between pro and con unless I make it one.
Real programmers use butterflies
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I think you have remarkable gifts !
Speaking from my own direct experience:
There are times when the sense of being able to change ... fades, when the capacity to imagine a future where today's demons are tamed, and, today's genius, and creative drive, is not lost ... is a blurred silhouette.
In Hesse's novel, Steppenwolf, the protagonist calls this existential state of timeless hopelessness "morbio inferiore" ... after a village in Switzerland in the Canton of Ticino where the mountain ranges almost totally block sunlight.
One can feel stuck, feel guilt as you are aware of the cost of the ways you are out of conscious control, and, yes manic elation can be a technique, a thrashing, the self uses to purge the unbearable.
I find solace in this: Quote: I speak in a poem of the ancient food of heroes: humiliation, unhappiness, discord. Those things are given to us to transform, so that we may make from the miserable circumstances of our lives things that are eternal, or aspire to be so." Jorge Borges, essay: "On Blindness."
I have faith that your journey, like mine, will take you, ultimately, to the palace of humble wisdom, of full heartedness, of laughter at/with yourself at the circus you both created and acted in, of moments of profound inner peace.
blessings, Billy Pilgrim
p.s. Okay ... I never was able to stay in the palace, but, I can say I visited
«The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled» Plutarch
modified 28-Jul-21 7:55am.
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BillWoodruff wrote: Hesse's novel, Steppenwolf
I tried to read that once, but gave up after about a dozen pages; didn't understand a thing.
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[^]
«The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled» Plutarch
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All of are broke in some way or another and like the old saying goes; "It's not what happens to you , it's how you perceive it".
I also don't people very well, have few friends and ever my kids don't visit me. I broke when I went and then came home in the late 60s from that special place.
The less you need, the more you have.
Even a blind squirrel gets a nut...occasionally.
JaxCoder.com
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Happy to be a rubber duck. And I so get "some people do yoga, I code." I've lived much of my life (as a result of having my son go to Waldorf School K-12) in the whacky Anthroposophical community where many people practice Steiner's 6 basic exercises (basically meditations very similar to Buddhists) and personally, I find coding to be how I practice those exercises. It's a lot more grounding for me to practice them on something practical and concrete rather than just as a concept.
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I've been extremely impressed with what you're doing. There's no way I would tackle some of the projects you've worked on.
As for being "broken" - you're not. You're just different so enjoy it.
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To be different isn't make you worst (or better for that matter). It is your deeds that will define you!
And yours seems to be remarkable!
"The only place where Success comes before Work is in the dictionary." Vidal Sassoon, 1928 - 2012
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honey the codewitch wrote: I am a shut in on account of paranoia and extreme social anxiety that has afflicted me since. I had a close friend visit a few days ago and stay the night, and despite the fact that I love her to death I ended up crying because I couldn't handle having her here, but still wanted her here. It's not supposed to make sense - it's crazy.
My partner is the only one who doesn't cause me to melt down, so with him not being here I'm pretty lonely.
We are creatures of habit. Try to get me to change my habits, and I'll desperately be looking forward to go back to my normal routine.
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Keep on chooglin. 
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Your partner must be awesome, because it doesn't even sound like bragging.
honey the codewitch wrote: despite the fact that I love her to death I ended up crying because I couldn't handle having her here
A stranger, in your safe space. My guests stay at a nearby hotel. That way they have privacy and don't open my fridge.
Bastard Programmer from Hell
"If you just follow the bacon Eddy, wherever it leads you, then you won't have to think about politics." -- Some Bell.
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