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The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Don't let your mind wander too far.
It's too small to be let out alone.
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Quote: I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time
Is one I remember from way back.
"the debugger doesn't tell me anything because this code compiles just fine" - random QA comment
"Facebook is where you tell lies to your friends. Twitter is where you tell the truth to strangers." - chriselst
"I don't drink any more... then again, I don't drink any less." - Mike Mullikins uncle
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Very clever. 
Keep your friends close. Keep Kill your enemies closer.
The End
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Mike Hankey wrote: How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Touch the quill tip; if it's wet, you're not out.
Invisible does not denote untouchable.
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How can you tell when a developer has no sense of humor? 
Everyone is born right handed. Only the strongest overcome it.
Fight for left-handed rights and hand equality.
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When he was latently diagnosed with Asperger's while his daughter was being diagnosed with Autism.
There is a sense of humor, just not one that the mainstream understands.
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I don't think my Epson has a quill to touch: and it often appears to print invisible pictures...
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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Mike Hankey wrote: 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
Are you sure this is from Steven Wright? I could've sworn this was from a song.
[Edit]
Actually that quote seems to be commonly attributed to Dolly Parton.
[Edit 2]
Lee Morse, "If You Want the Rainbow (You Must Have the Rain)", 1928.
modified 23-Feb-18 17:40pm.
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You should delete #29... it will give ideas to some of the QAers  
M.D.V.
If something has a solution... Why do we have to worry about?. If it has no solution... For what reason do we have to worry about?
Help me to understand what I'm saying, and I'll explain it better to you
Rating helpful answers is nice, but saying thanks can be even nicer.
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And No. 35 is a question first asked by Einstein, which led to the development of Special Relativity.
No. 29 seems very appropriate. 
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
--Winston Churchill
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Daniel Pfeffer wrote: And No. 35 is a question first asked by Einstein,
I doubt that because it's a dumb question. Of course they would work (function), they would just show up behind you.
Everyone is born right handed. Only the strongest overcome it.
Fight for left-handed rights and hand equality.
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I beg to differ. In 1887 Michaelson and Morley showed that light behaves fundamentally differently than other waves, in that it's speed is independent of the relative speed of the transmitter and the receiver, and is always constant.
Einstein asked what would happen when the relative speed is the same as the speed of light. The answer is not as trivial as you think.
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
--Winston Churchill
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Einstein told too:
Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity... but I am not 100% sure about the first one.
(very appropriate too) 
M.D.V.
If something has a solution... Why do we have to worry about?. If it has no solution... For what reason do we have to worry about?
Help me to understand what I'm saying, and I'll explain it better to you
Rating helpful answers is nice, but saying thanks can be even nicer.
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What do you get when you cross a whale with a bull?
A coworka.
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What do you get if you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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What do you get when you cross a spider and an argument?
Arach-a-beef.
I know my coat is around here somewhere...
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
The difficult we do right away...
...the impossible takes slightly longer.
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... or any night for months and months.
Why are the seasons so short for good programs, and so long for rubbish?
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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OriginalGriff wrote: good programs
Is it though? I haven't watched The Grand Tour but Top Gear was getting very tired before he got sacked. Have they revitalised it or is it just the same stuff under a different name?
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It's the same, but different.
It's certainly better than the "official" Top Gear - which has been unfunny and predictable since they departed. I think it's still "finding its feet" so to speak as a unique show, but season two was better than season one.
Since Amazon don't release viewing figures, you can't compare them, but certainly Amazon seem happy enough with the number of new Prime signups the show has induced.
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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OriginalGriff wrote: It's certainly better than the "official" Top Gear
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Season 1 was trying too hard. Season 2 is more natural, and back to the kind of humour of the old top gear.
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