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My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
but the second time, it let me down.
2 slices of melon talking. One says to the the other "Let's run away and get married".
The other slice replies "I'm sorry, I cantaloupe..."
I'll get my coat.
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The only dad jokes that stick in my head are nerdy ones like "I can understand 4, 5, 7, and 8 feet, but I can't fathom."
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Made me laugh. 
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9.
Try to top that one.
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More like granddad jokes.
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
--Winston Churchill
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The one I heard yesterday (although, its probably old as the woods):
"I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. Thankfully I turned myself around."
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Drinking coffee could lead to a longer life, scientist says[^]
Somebody needs a proof reader, the very first paragraph...
Scientists have found that people who drink coffee appear to live longer. Drinking coffee was associated with lower risk of death due to heart disease, cancer, stroke, diabetes, and kidney disease. People who consumed a cup of coffee a day were 12 percent less likely to die compared to those who didn't drink coffee. <- yep, a full stop right there
Woo hoo, drink 1 cup coffee per day = 12% less likely to die!
so if I increase coffee input to 9 cups per day that would make it 108% less likely to die.
I'll take it,... plus 8 more please.
Sin tack
the any key okay
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I can see the click bait now, "You can live forever using THIS SIMPLE METHOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was broke, so I fixed it.
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"Morticians hate this one weird trick!!!"
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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"These beans can extend your life"
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"9 Ways to Live Forever" 
The difficult we do right away...
...the impossible takes slightly longer.
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"You won't believe what happens next!"
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I saw that in the news. I admit to being skeptical about it a few years ago they were saying it was was instant death to drink one... 
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Lopatir wrote: People who consumed a cup of coffee a day were 12 percent less likely to die compared to those who didn't drink coffee.
My English is lousy.
As I see it, it is very unlikely that you will not die.
Bastard Programmer from Hell 
If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^]
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Death rate in non-coffee drinkers is 100%.
Therefore if you drink coffee you are only 88% likely to die.
Phil
The opinions expressed in this post are not necessarily those of the author, especially if you find them impolite, inaccurate or inflammatory.
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This means that if you have a 12% likelihood to die, you can be immortal if you drink coffee.
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..cause 70 years of paying taxes is not enough
Bastard Programmer from Hell
If you can't read my code, try converting it here[^]
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With more coffee the percentage increases. With the amount I drink I am now effectively immortal!
- I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
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As I understand it, it is an observational study, not a Controlled study.
It just means that, if you drink coffee you might live longer.
I assume that they mean a real coffee, a simple espresso or drip coffee cup or 2 per day , and not a gallon of super fatty and sugary coffee beverage that mega chains sell.
I'd rather be phishing!
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Not sure coffee helped my father who passed in 2015 with a few of the conditions that its supposed to help..
John
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Not sure coffee helped my father who passed in 2015 with most of the conditions that its supposed to help..
John
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Proof that Heaven does not exist:
Drinking enough coffee will ensure you live forever.
Given that both Heaven and Hell are filled with dead people, that implies that there is no coffee in either.
As a place without coffee is a good approximation to Hell, Heaven does not exist.
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
--Winston Churchill
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Is a lasting impression what a sumo wrestler leaves in his mattress?
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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You will know after you promise both a jockey and a sumo champion their weight in gold as a reward.
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