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M.C. Escher and M.C. Hammer walk into a bar. The barman pours each of them a beer and says "Can't touch this!".
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Q: What do you get if you cross LSD and LDS?
A: A high priest.
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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It's lunchtime: go out an buy one.
Then get it...
You looking for sympathy?
You'll find it in the dictionary, between sympathomimetic and sympatric
(Page 1788, if it helps)
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OriginalGriff wrote: It's lunchtime: go out an and buy one.
FTFY.
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You should be grateful there was no "teh" in that sentence.
"I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability!"
Ron White, Comedian
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That was log time ago 
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No, it's only 9am.
And since it's already late August, the stores have probably cleared out their inventory of coats and winter stuff already and are starting to stock Easter decorations summer clothes again. 
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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They have just announced the Best Joke at the Edinburgh Fringe[^] - and it's from Tim Vine.
Brace yourselves.
Put down that coffee cup.
Swallow.
Have paramedics on standby.
"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust."
Laughing yourself to death yet?
No? Neither am I.
Doesn't say a lot for the standard of the competition really...I've seen funnier things hear translated via two or more languages...
You looking for sympathy?
You'll find it in the dictionary, between sympathomimetic and sympatric
(Page 1788, if it helps)
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Really? 1) I believe I have made a similar joke (substitute Dyson for Hoover) 2) It's not that funny I've heard Tim Vine say funnier while being KSS...What?
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Problem is, one liners like that are better when delivered by someone who is good at telling jokes rather than read in the middle of article that has already told you you are going to read the funniest joke.
I heard it read out on the radio yesterday evening, it wasn't funny then either, I imagine Tim Vine delivering it and it raises a smile.
Interesting that the BBC report leaves out the Gove joke.
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
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Gove is a joke.
But that one is the funniest in that list - it's the only one to raise a smile with me!
You looking for sympathy?
You'll find it in the dictionary, between sympathomimetic and sympatric
(Page 1788, if it helps)
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I totally agree - which is why Milton Jones works better live than on twitter.
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What's the most important thing TIMING about comedy?
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As already stated, delivery and expectation is important.
Humor is a funny thing. Not only does it rely heavily on circumstance in many cases, but it varies from person to person. Some people just get a huge kick out of witty one liners, and there could be nothing funnier. While some people just like people yelling, or sketch acting.
Elephant elephant elephant, sunshine sunshine sunshine
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Seems like an old joke anyway?
But you're right I've seen better here...well not right here...you know?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?
Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9.
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The build up to the joke was more interesting than the joke. I actually put down my coffee.
Jeremy Falcon
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My fave of all time is a Steve Martin joke - an approximation as far as I recall:
Doctor: Good or Bad new first?
Patient: Good
Doctor: You're about to have a disease named after you.
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Another one bites the dust.
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The truly funny thing is I had a Hoover sitting in the closet doing exactly that for a year or so, finally took it to the dump last month. And I never thought of making that pun. Dang, what a missed opportunity!
Marc
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It's lucky that CP didn't exist when that joke was first told, or Leslie Nielsen would have posted it here.
IPOF, I believe it goes back to penny dreadfuls; something like "My missus pawned 'er cleanin' rags -- well, they was only gatherin' dust."
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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Hi All,
As per the subject line. No one seems to know how they want a CV laid out, each agent, company wants a different layout... I am starting to think it's a case of you can't polish a turd (but Mythbusters...), but you stick a flag in it!
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Gak. It really is a hideous task. I've stayed at more than one position until the absolute breaking point because I was avoiding the job search.
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Feeling that one. I think you need to write 20 versions with different pseudonyms.
"Please add a few extra lines about xyz"
"Oh no please shorten it to 2 pages"
"Please put education at the top"
"Why is education at the top? I want to see the relevant recent jobs"
F**king hell, just give me and application form then and sod this CV business. It's darned impossible!
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You are after all a developer are you not?
Why not make a virtual CV that can be loaded on a website or something. Then you just populate the different views as they request it. Like say expandable objects then they can just click on Education and it will open up and show your education. Same with all the other stuff. This way they can look first at whatever they want and only look at what they want, with an option to print or download the actual CV. So now you have a CV and a proclamation of your skill set as a developer 
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