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I'd like to thank the director, my agent, my parents, every hamster I had to sleep with to get this award and just say that I'm humbled, and ... wah? Not me? B*stards! 
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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OriginalGriff wrote: I'd like to thank the director, my agent, my parents, every hamster sheeps I had to sleep with to get this award and just say that I'm humbled, and ... wah? Not me? B*stards!
FTFY
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Still a great night.
Oops, wrong show.
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Way back in my teaching days I was taking the roll call at the start of the class and I said, "To speed things up let's just have everyone who isn't here put their hand up."  Several people put their hand up and I told them I would therefore mark them absent! They all paid much closer attention to what I was actually saying from then on. 
- I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
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At the bottom of an (obviously not very useful) email from East Midlands Airport there's the line "If you are not receiving this email, check your spam settings".
Indeed 
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A bit like a poster I saw on the tube some years ago, "Do you suffer from dyslexia?". 
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If you have not received £1.000.000 yet, its because you haven't sent me £1.000.
... such stuff as dreams are made on
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Years ago, in the company I worked we had a special virtual pbx.
We detected we were losing calls as from time to time the virtual pbx decided the number did not exist.
Wen I called the guys at the carrier company I told them:
"Some people that have called our company have received a voice message telling the phone number did not exist... could you please check what's happening?"
The answer was:
"When this happens please tell it to us and we will check."
Tried to tell them that we would not notice that as we would not receive the call...
I don't know how it ended as I don't work there anymore...
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Can't read? Write for help!
<address redacted>
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
--Winston Churchill
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Chess player loses a ton backing one of his men and gets the bird (10)
Slogans aren't solutions.
modified 28-Feb-17 5:07am.
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Kingfisher?
"It is easy to decipher extraterrestrial signals after deciphering Javascript and VB6 themselves.", ISanti[ ^]
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Yep - do you want to explain or shall I?
Slogans aren't solutions.
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I can't. Only bird I could think of starting from a chess piece was kingfisher.
"It is easy to decipher extraterrestrial signals after deciphering Javascript and VB6 themselves.", ISanti[ ^]
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Fair enough ...
The chess player in question was Bobby FISCHER - the legendary American chess genius and general oddball.
Losing a ton (C = 100 in Roman numerals) that becomes FISHER.
Backing a chess man (in this case the KING) we get KINGFISHER giving us the bird.
Slogans aren't solutions.
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Would have never figured it out. Guess you are still up for tomorrow then?
"It is easy to decipher extraterrestrial signals after deciphering Javascript and VB6 themselves.", ISanti[ ^]
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Well, you did get the answer, so it's yours if you want it.
Slogans aren't solutions.
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I guess I will have to pass. There is a flash sale (online) I need to focus on tomorrow afternoon. Need to buy a phone.
"It is easy to decipher extraterrestrial signals after deciphering Javascript and VB6 themselves.", ISanti[ ^]
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No worries, I'll come up with something suitably fiendish.
Slogans aren't solutions.
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So how would a ton associate with 100?
Where I come from a ton is a thousand kilos.
"I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability!"
Ron White, Comedian
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Ah, I'm wondering if this is a largely British thing - if so, please accept my apologies. We frequently use "ton" here to refer to a hundred, particularly in the following contexts:
Speed - anyone going over 100mph is "doing a ton."
Sport - a cricketer scoring a hundred runs has "made a ton", a dart player who scores a hundred has scored a ton. (Aussies and Kiwis would probably use the cricketing context, too).
Money - £100 is often referred to as a ton (particularly in London).
The origins, I'm not quite sure of - an imperial ton was 2,240 pounds and it obviously predates our semi-adoption of the metric system - so it's a bit of a mystery as to why.
I do always try to avoid British idioms in clues but sometimes one sneaks through simply because I haven't realised that it's not a universal English usage, which was the case with this one.
Slogans aren't solutions.
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An American ton is 2000 pounds.
Sure are a ton of tons.
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MarkTJohnson wrote: An American ton is 2000 pounds.
FTFY!
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
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Nightowl
[EDIT:] I should learn to count 
... such stuff as dreams are made on
modified 28-Feb-17 4:56am.
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megaadam wrote: I should learn to count
There are three kinds of people: those who can do maths and those who can't. 
Slogans aren't solutions.
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