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Here's one:
Why didn't CBadger cross the road? 
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Because he was run over by Leslie Nielsen in a lorry on a bicycle... 
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
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I'd just like a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Me, all the time
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Johnny J. wrote: Because he was run over by Leslie Nielsen in a lorry on a bicycle in a police car!
Attention to detail is everything
I wanna be a eunuchs developer! Pass me a bread knife!
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Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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Well! That competition was over quickly!
- I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
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Not even closely!
Proof[¼]
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![Badger | [badger,badger,badger,badger...]](https://codeproject.freetls.fastly.net/script/Forums/Images/badger.gif)
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Was habe ich gerade gelesen?
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Es ist eine gute Arbeit, die Sie nicht wirklich Deutsch sprechen, sonst würden Sie sterben vor Lachen jetzt! 
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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Ich verstehe ein wenig.
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A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
----------------------------
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
-----------------------------------
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
----------------------------------
A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
-----------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
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A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even home yesterday."
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Vivic wrote: A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
That's easy. Use the left foot to nudge it on top of your right foot. Then lift your right foot up enough that you can grab it.
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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Or: "Squat"
You looking for sympathy?
You'll find it in the dictionary, between sympathomimetic and sympatric
(Page 1788, if it helps)
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Requires using too many muscles. 
Besides my method has the bonus of triggering "did I just see you do what I think I did" reactions from the occasional sheeple. 
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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Take off one shoe, grab it with your toes, duh.
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More work if you're not wearing sandals; and probably more limited in what you can get up. ex anything more than about an inch thick and lacking a handle.
Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, waging all things in the balance of reason?
Is not rather the genius of history like an eternal, imploring maiden, full of fire, with a burning heart and flaming soul, humanly warm and humanly beautiful?
--Zachris Topelius
Training a telescope on one’s own belly button will only reveal lint. You like that? You go right on staring at it. I prefer looking at galaxies.
-- Sarah Hoyt
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Didn't you read DO NOT BEND? It applies to knees too 
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Then it's your own fault for not mastering telekinesis... Or does bending the space/time continuum count too?
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Blonde? mind you I heard he's feeling a bit poorly.... 
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Attire.
[I'll see myself out]
*Unoriginal - found on the interwebs.
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I heard one was wearing a bowler hat.
Microsoft ... the only place where VARIANT_TRUE != true
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Hmm. My clothes say I'm a vagrant with superior programming skills.
Software Zen: delete this;
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/ravi
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What chain of reasoning spoke to you that we might Lycra that one? "Tu-be or not tu-be" is only a question if you're a crank about your gear. Answers we can handle, bar none please.
Software Zen: delete this;
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