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Training cats does not work. Nowhere, at no time, never ever[^].
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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So cute. Do you think it'd work with a 20 year old blonde babysitter as well? 
Asking for a friend of course! 
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
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Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain
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I'm sure it does. The problem is that they will not settle for simple kittie snacks. The sort of things they will do anything for cost a tiny bit more. So, if you are rich enough, you can keep an entire army of them happy.
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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CodeWraith wrote: So, if you are rich enough, you can keep an entire army of them happy.
Hugh Hefner was proof of this concept 
if (Object.DividedByZero == true) { Universe.Implode(); }
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I have ours trained to stand, then sit still on the arm of a particular chair for his treats.
This means I can stroke him all over, including his belly, and check for lumps, bites, ticks, fleas, and so on without him getting at all upset or bitey.
Bill The Cat I had half trained to play "fetch" - I'd throw it, he'd grab it, and return it to me. But only once per game. After that it was dull and he wandered off: "If you wanted the damn thing, why did you throw it away? Fetch it yourself!"
Sent from my Amstrad PC 1640
Never throw anything away, Griff
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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We all know that they can't be trained. 
Still, cats are the last hope for our national teams[^].
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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Is this what we are reduced to in the Lounge? Cat videos? 
Sent from my Amstrad PC 1640
Never throw anything away, Griff
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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It's not so bad. Entire civilisation were built upon the tireless work of cats. The Egyptians were no idiots. Do you think they could have built pyramids without the help of cats?
Rodents come for your stores of crops, cats come for the rodents and in the end you have enough of the crops left to feed a lot of (healthier) workers.
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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I frequently have a cat assistant when I make the bed: changing the duvet cover is always an ... exciting ... time. I can't help but think that the pyramids were only built that shape so the damn cats couldn't push everything off the top.
Sent from my Amstrad PC 1640
Never throw anything away, Griff
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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Kittie is only training you to become fiercer and more impressive.
Be glad that training to catch a living mouse is not on the schedule yet.
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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Who are you kidding? I have to catch live mice at least once a week when he lets the damn things go in the lounge!
The worst was when he came home with two rats in his mouth - he's only a little cat, honest - and dropped 'em both. One live - zooooom, under the sofa - and one dead. Cue a chase to the tune of Benny Hill. How the heck he manages to pick up live and dead rats at the same time I dunno.
Sent from my Amstrad PC 1640
Never throw anything away, Griff
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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Ahhh, so you had to repeat the lesson several times until you (hopefully) got a passing grade. I only had the honor once. After finally chasing the mouse out the door, it took the cat only about three seconds to catch it again, kill it and return it to my feet. Not without a very intense and worried look.
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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That's the only explanation. They are untrainable[^], after all. Be careful when you see a cat with blue eyes. These races are often photoshopped.
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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CodeWraith wrote: Be careful when you see a cat with blue eyes. These races are often photoshopped.
I knew it! Someone is photoshopping my cat right under my nose, that is the only explanation.
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Thai? Siamese? Burma?
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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Snowshoe, which is an offshoot of Siamese. But that still doesn't rule out photoshopping.
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Brings new meaning to the phrase "adult entertainment."
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Trained cats[^]
But [a little more seriously] once had a cat that would fetch small paper balls that I threw for it, amused many visitors particularly as it wouldn't do it for anyone else. (But I have to admit it 'taught itself.')
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None of the bank tellers I've ever dealt with were that...friendly.
That aside...all cats I've ever owned spend an awful lot time licking places you wouldn't go near to. People, don't let cats lick your face. Much less your mouth. 
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Reminds me of THIS[^]
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
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Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain
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Funny, but not really true. Cats can be conditioned to react to any signal just as well as dogs, monkeys or married men. The only trick is that you must get the cat to like whatever you want it to do. Then they do the actual conditioning themselves.
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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I know it's not true. Cats can be trained. They can be taught tricks, they can be taught to use the toilet etc. They are of course highly intelligent, so they'll only do it if they want to themselves.
But the meme was funny all the same.
Didga[^] is one of my favourite examples of a trained cat! She's really smart! 
That being said, I've had a lot of cats during my life time, and - as with people - the level of intelligence is most definitely individual.
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
-
Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain
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If you ever have seen a mixed cat and dog raid on a refrigerator, then you know how smart they are.
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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Yestersay
It started out as a simple typo, but I think it is quite usable, like in 'You don't yestersay!' when someone comes with some old and boring stuff. Now, how do I get it into a dictionary? It should be worth a few points in Scrabble.
I have lived with several Zen masters - all of them were cats.
His last invention was an evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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