This is just humor (and categorized as such), and is not intended to address burning programming issues.
0. Don’t check to see if “it” is really dead using anything other than the business end of a very powerful weapon. Kneeling down and putting your face next to a seemingly lifeless mutant, giant paramecium, or whatever to make sure that it’s no longer breathing is a very bad idea.
1. Don’t be a screamer. Screamers always die.
2. Don’t act to save yourself first. If you behave heroically, you may still die but if you are a coward it’s a done deal.
3. Don’t muck with DNA. Even though splicing together the genes of a hammerhead shark, a silkworm and a Venus Fly Trap may seem like a really good idea, it isn’t.
4. If you ignore rule number 3, you may still repent your bad judgment and redeem yourself with an act of selfless sacrifice - but you will still die.
5. If you ignore rule number 3 and rule number 4, you will of course die, and it will be particularly nasty.
6. Have a name. If your party is attacked by a mob of alien flesh eaters, “Crewman number 7″ – yeah, the guy with the mustache and red tunic - he’s not gonna make it.
7. If you are not the hero type, being funny may save you. If you do escape doom because of your quirky sense of humor, you can expect to disappear somewhere during a big action scene. Everyone will think that you are dead until the final moments of the movie when you get to “pop up” from the supply closet or ceiling panel where you were hiding giving everyone a good laugh. If you do not reappear, well….
8. If your normally friendly pet dog bares his teeth and backs away from one of your friends or colleagues, you can pretty much bet the farm that said friend or colleague has been invaded, infested, replicated or infected.
9. If you and seven other people have all been firing your weapons directly at it for more than ten seconds and it hasn’t dropped, it’s time to run.
10. If you hear a blood-curdling scream in the forest, walk quickly in the opposite direction.
11. If the Earth looses it's atmosphere, don't waste your breath screaming.
12. If it can eat through walls, it can eat through you.
13. Never swim alone... at night... naked.
14. Wishes can be dangerous. If you catch a leprechaun, kill it.
15. If it has 20 legs, you can't outrun it.
16. In the woods, Everything can hear you scream.
17. If a giant spider catches you don't panic, it won't eat you for days.
18. Never go on an epic quest without having an exit strategy.
19. When building an army of mutant super-soldiers, don't use the criminally insane.
20. Not all monsters want to eat you. Some just want to wear your skin.
21. Never play God, even if you are one.
22. Just because you're immortal, doesn't mean you can't get your ass kicked.
23. If the egg weighs more than you, don't wait around for it to hatch.
24. If it's foot is bigger than your house, don't hide in your house.
25. Never brew love potions around family members.
26. If it has two heads, it can eat you in half the time.
27. If it's footprint is bigger than your Hummer, leave.
28. Never make fun of fairies... they aren't as cute when they swarm.
29. Never mate with an alien, no matter how hot it is.
30. If you discover that you can fly, don't do it in commercial airspace.
(my personal favorite)
31. If you can see bits of flesh caught in it's teeth, you're standing too close.
32. If a giant asteroid is heading for Earth, "duck and cover" won't help.
33. When building a robot don't give it a brain, and if you do, don't give it a weapon.
34. When running from a monster, never wear high heels.
35. If a giant snake is trying to kill you, don't send a larger one to defeat it.
36. If a fraternity requires a blood sacrifice, don't pledge.
37. Kids love dinosaurs. Unfortunately dinosaurs love kids, too.
38. If it comes from outer space, don't eat it.
39. If you find human remains, don't wait around to find out what was eating them.
40. If you engineer a super-virus, also engineer an unbreakable test tube.
41. If you think your town has a werewolf problem, move to another town - far, far away.
42. "No trespassing" signs only work for things that can read (but not all the time).
43. If the static in the TV is talking to you, don't talk back.
44. If it's teeth are bigger than it's body, don't try to pet it.
45. Massive doses of radiation won't give you superpowers.
46. If you successfully clone yourself, it will probably try to kill you.
47. When using a Ouija board, only summon people who like you.