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Two old people are playing golf. "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went".
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore" protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball" Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup" Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot".
To err is human. Fortune favors the monsters.
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"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.
The priest reads them their last rites, then the king orders the executioner to kill the physicist.
The executioner offers the physicist two choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The physicist replies, "I spent my whole life studying the heavens. I would like to face the sky, with the hood on like night!"
The executioner positions the physicist and drops the blade...
... and it stops inches from the physicists' neck.
The priest cries, "It's a sign from God! This man is innocent! Set him free!", so the king pardons him, and orders the mathematician executed next.
The executioner offers the mathematician the same choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The mathematician replies, "They all result in an equivalent state, but hood off face down is the most elegant solution!"
The executioner positions the mathematician and drops the blade...
... and it stops inches from the mathematician's neck.
The priest cries, "It's a sign from God! This man is innocent! Set him free!", so the king pardons him, and orders the engineer executed next.
The executioner offers the engineer the same choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The engineer replies, "I have always loved machines, and there is no more elegant a killing machine than the guillotine. I will spend my final moments marveling in its beauty!"
The executioner positions the engineer and, as he's about to drop the blade, the engineer shouts:
"I see the problem!"
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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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The Optimist: The glass is half full.
The Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
The Engineer: The glass is too big.
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There's a light at the end of a very long tunnel:
The pessimist sees a long walk ahead
The optimist sees daylight
The engineer sees two idiots standing on the tracks.
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Message Closed
modified 15-May-23 19:06pm.
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What is this "real life" thing you keep going on about, and where does one buy one? Amazon do not appear to stock them in my size.
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
"Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power" - Random T-shirt
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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Just become a bit harder to comply with. 
"In testa che avete, Signor di Ceprano?"
-- Rigoletto
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"Real Life" is the protype for "Better Than Life".
If you want a copy, see Lister currently residing on Red Dwarf.
// TODO: Insert something here Top ten reasons why I'm lazy
1.
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No way! Talky Toaster has been fixed, remember? 
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
"Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power" - Random T-shirt
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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Do you remember the news report on the release of Better Than Life?
Quote: So great is the appeal of "Better Than Life" when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks, rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the crowd.
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
"Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power" - Random T-shirt
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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No, I don't remember that one.
// TODO: Insert something here Top ten reasons why I'm lazy
1.
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Isn't that the same news report that had the newly discovered page missing from the front of the bible?
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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Quote: Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental."
Yep!
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
"Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power" - Random T-shirt
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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OriginalGriff wrote: What is this "real life"
What is just fantasy?
GCS/GE d--(d) s-/+ a C+++ U+++ P-- L+@ E-- W+++ N+ o+ K- w+++ O? M-- V? PS+ PE Y+ PGP t+ 5? X R+++ tv-- b+(+++) DI+++ D++ G e++ h--- r+++ y+++* Weapons extension: ma- k++ F+2 X
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Nice list. Good luck on it.
Do not forget to close the door on the way out to get a real life. 
M.D.V. 
If something has a solution... Why do we have to worry about?. If it has no solution... For what reason do we have to worry about?
Help me to understand what I'm saying, and I'll explain it better to you
Rating helpful answers is nice, but saying thanks can be even nicer.
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This is "real life".
Don't stop until you drop.
"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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But is this the real life?
Or is this just fantasy?
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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Absolutely, no fantasy.
Just jump up in the air.
You will see real quick it's real.
"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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But what if you're Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality?
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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I was referring to gravity as prove of reality. Landslides included.
"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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Open your eyes,
Look up to the skies and see.
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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yes, absolutely the best
"A little time, a little trouble, your better day"
Badfinger
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The real life is a way too overrated.
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