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...The Times are rough! 
Ba-tish!
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
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Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain
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The Post will give you splinters!
I'm hiding from exercise...I'm in the fitness protection program.
JaxCoder.com
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Yeah, that would be a pain in the... nevermind! 
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
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Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain
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I'm going to give you a 9/10 for a very good dad joke 
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians.
Help end the violence EAT BACON
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Only use The Sun if it shines out your ...
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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gave up on print newspapers; on-line news only
still haven't really got the hang of e-wiping my ass.
pestilence [ pes-tl-uh ns ] noun
1. a deadly or virulent epidemic disease. especially bubonic plague.
2. something that is considered harmful, destructive, or evil.
Synonyms: pest, plague, people
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Just use the Three Seashells, like everyone else does!
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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Pravda and Izvestia were rough?
Soviet joke: In Pravda [Truth] there is no izvestia [news], and in Izvestia there is no pravda.
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You just wait until you run out of newspapers and have to use sandpaper...
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Wait until you run out of sandpaper and have to use Izal[^]... 
"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined."
- Homer
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I had to look that stuff up.
Some of the old-time ads for it are downright hilarious.
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I thought I'd try one of these "toilet brushes" instead.
I don't recommend it, they're very messy and quite painful.
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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I can imagine![^] 
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant
Anonymous
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The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine
Winston Churchill, 1944
-
Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain
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Stout clubs put loner off(9)
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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I know the answers which fits perfectly but the solution is baffling me.
cheers,
Super
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Too much of good is bad,mix some evil in it
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So try posting the answer - I can't give you the solution until someone does (or the time elapses, obviously) 
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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CORPULENT
put loner = orpulent (anagram)
Clubs =C ??? No idea why
stout is corpulent ( I guess)
cheers,
Super
------------------------------------------
Too much of good is bad,mix some evil in it
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And you are up tomorrow!
Stout
clubs C (In Bridge, the card suits are known as S, C, H, and D - it's often used in crosswords!)
put loner ORPULENT
off (anag)
CORPULENT
"Corpulent" and "Stout" are both synonyms for "Fat" as in "Overweight": Fat Synonyms, Fat Antonyms | Thesaurus.com[^]
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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OriginalGriff wrote: In Bridge,
Never played Bridge.
That's what trying to figure out how Clubs fit C.
cheers,
Super
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Too much of good is bad,mix some evil in it
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I have, once.
At an ex-girlfriend's for Christmas, and they decided we should all play Bridge. I was given a thick book and half an hour to pick up the rules, and then treated with contempt because I had no idea what the "bid signals" were or how the heck I was supposed to respond to them ... 
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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And there we have WHY she is an ex-girlfriend.
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Bidding is basically a state machine, so maybe the code would have helped!
It's interesting, at least from what I've been told, that when it comes to card play, the better bridge-playing programs still use Monte Carlo methods (lots of random trials) rather than trying to determine the best line of play through analysis.
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"Managers special: Buy two for thirty times the price!" 
"I have no idea what I did, but I'm taking full credit for it." - ThisOldTony
AntiTwitter: @DalekDave is now a follower!
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